A Wasted Life

My little sister (my baby sister; she will always be my baby sister. A few years ago, she shared with me her earliest memory. She didn't want to tell me as she was afraid it was going to lead me to drink. But I forced it out of her by annoying her until she finally told me. Her 1st memory is my dad hog-tying me with duct tape and throwing me into bed. Here's a few things you should know:

1. My dad was my "good parent"

2. My sister has this amazing ability to forget. To forget everything that happened, and this she remembers.

3. I didn't have my own bed. My dad is much shorter than I am. He would ask people, "Know why my son is so much taller than me? People would say no, and he'd respond. "Know how animals grow to the size of their cages? Well, I made him sleep on the floor, and he grew to the size of the living room". I am a little over 6 feet tall; it was a small and twice-condemned shack.

4. For the record FUCK my mother. She was never a mother. She was a sadistic prison warden who did everything she could to torture her three children. I love my dad. I did everything I could to spoil my dad. As even a young child and a selfish teenager, I did everything I could to spoil my dad. I worked pretty much full time in high school, and I was a die-hard Boston sports fan. When my buddies invited me to games, I often bought two tickets. One for me and one for my dad. Try as I might to forgive my mom, that ship has sailed. But the cruelest thing she ever did (maybe not, but it is still very cruel. My dad is old, sick, and his memory is slipping. She has convinced him that I do not talk to them because I hate my dad. That is the farthest thing from the truth. For years, as my dad was medically retired, I called every day at lunchtime. I continued taking him to games. When I was getting a haircut, I went across town to pick him up and get him a haircut too. My parents didn't have the finances to get him a haircut. While we got the haircut or on the way. We'd listen to old school country music. Laugh, and I would take him out to eat. Can you imagine that these people have been married for more than 40 years and her number 1 goal is to ruin this man that she has ruined completely. She doesn't even allow him to see his surviving siblings.

I always said that if I was going to write an autobiography, it would be called "The underachieving overachiever.

I should say that people like me. But I never liked myself. As a matter of fact, I have never liked myself. Everything I have ever accomplished, anyone could.

I remember being 12 and talking to 2 childhood friends about our futures, and I said, and I was convinced. My dad is a loser; I am destined to be one too. I wasn't just saying that; I was convinced that I was born a loser and I would die a loser.

I have been blessed. When I told my oldest friend that I was going to be a loser. I told him, I am not intelligent; I am really not good for anything (PLEASE understand that I truly believe these things), but the one thing I could be is a good friend. I think that made an impression on him. Because that man has stuck by my side through two marriages and divorces, a DUI, more hospital stays than I can imagine, and 10+ trips to rehab. I love you, Trevor, and thank you for always being here for me.

I have had several great loves. But my self-hatred has sabotaged every relationship that I have ever been in. Well, that's not true. I have, like everyone else, dated some train wrecks. But I have three children and two "baby mamas", and they are both amazing people.

My first wife and mother of my two oldest girls. She's the greatest nurse I have ever known. I have spent a good part of my life defending nurses. It's one of the few things I am proud of. People think I am just a rent-a-cop, a 2.5 Security Guard. Fuck that and fuck all of you. I have spent years defending people and specifically nurses. I love nurses. Early on, someone told me "just take care of the nurses," and I always have. I unfortunately believe that she hates me now. But I have always said, and I am saying it here for the record. If I ever have a heart attack, I want her to be my nurse. I am sorry that I couldn't be the person that you deserve. Your mom didn't have to hate me so much. I get that I was never going to be your dad. But why would I even try? He was an amazing man who I still talk to monthly. But it was bad enough that I already thought I was a piece of shit. I didn't need another person thinking the same thing. I did a lot for her, and I was never good enough. Also, if you haven't heard our oldest child say it, she feels the same way.

My 2nd wife. I don't even know how to describe what an amazing and great person she is. Even my 1st wife loves her. That says something, doesn't it?